


atop the crags and cliffs the air is thin

by aeriamamaduck



Series: Somewhere to Begin [6]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Animal Transformation, Anxiety, Arguing, Bad Decisions, Bottom Victor Nikiforov, Brotherhood, Brotherly Affection, Brothers, Depression, Family, Fluff, Goodbye Sex, Goodbyes, Guilt, Healing, Heavy Angst, Long-Haired Victor Nikiforov, M/M, Making Up, Medicine, Mental Health Issues, No Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Rough Sex, Separations, Top Katsuki Yuuri, War, Yuri Plisetsky and Victor Nikiforov are Brothers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-27
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-08 04:05:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,700
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15234939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aeriamamaduck/pseuds/aeriamamaduck
Summary: Going home is easier said than done.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope everyone's enjoying their summer!

* * *

 

_Wind-blown buildings, muddy ground_

_The strength of water can sink a man_

 

* * *

 

When Yuuri woke up, he was nuzzling his face between Victor's shoulder blades as though trying to sink into the heat of the other man's body. 

 

It could have been like any other morning waking up together, and Yuuri was quite content to stay in that sleepy state for as long as possible.

 

And then memories of the day before flooded in, and he remembered why Victor's back was to him.

 

He'd awoken in the middle of the night to find Victor still awake, sitting at his sleeping brother's side and looking utterly exhausted. Yuuri had sleepily managed to coax him into bed with him, telling him he'd still be near Yurio. 

 

Victor had lain down, but Yuuri had no way of knowing if his mate had gone to sleep.

 

Stifling a yawn into his fist, Yuuri blinked several times as he pressed his forehead against those tension-riddled muscles, trying to summon up some warm thoughts to wrap around Victor's mind. "Did you sleep?" he asked in low tones.

 

He felt Victor's hand at his hip, stroking it slowly with a soft sigh. "I'm alright, Yuuri," he replied quietly, voice weary.

 

"That's not what I asked, Victor," Yuuri said, wrapping his arm around Victor's waist and giving it a squeeze, both loving and stern as he ignored the deflection in his mate's reassurance. 

 

He was met with silence for several moments until he felt Victor go almost lax before slowly turning onto his back and facing the ceiling, Yuuri's hand resting on the tense muscles of his stomach as he sighed shakily. "I couldn't," he finally whispered. Then he turned and tugged Yuuri into his arms, burying his fingers in his hair and squeezing him tightly. "I couldn't close my eyes."

 

Yuuri held on to Victor, pressing kisses to his chest and pressing his cheek against the place over his heart, feeling its frantic beats. "He's safe, and he's going to be alright," he told him before peering over his shoulder to find Yurio still fast asleep.

 

"What if he hadn't been?" Victor asked, voice quiet but still despairing.

 

Yuuri didn't want to let Victor follow that line of thought. He knew very well what thinking of the alternatives would do to Victor, and he raised his gaze to look his mate in the eye, giving him something concrete to focus on. He didn't reply to Victor's question, instead telling him gently, "You need rest. As both a healer and your mate, I'm telling you to try and sleep."

 

He reached up to stroke Victor's cheek, watching him slowly start to give in as Yuuri rubbed soothing lines with his fingertips. Yuuri smiled at him with all the tenderness he could summon, encouraging him to surrender to the unmistakable exhaustion radiating from him. "Come on. Lie back while I check on Yurio."

 

Victor relented with a little sigh, lying on his back again and closing his eyes as Yuuri stroked his face and slowly brought it down to his stomach, rubbing circles onto it before drawing away and raising his arms in a stretch, groaning softly at the satisfying pop of muscles. 

 

Moments later Yuuri knelt beside the boy, noting the little frown on his face, possibly born of discomfort.

 

But everything seemed normal, or as normal as it could be when Yuri was healing faster than a typical human his age. He knew his mother and Mari would be by to check on him themselves, but there were no signs of a fever, or of any bleeding. 

 

"How is he?" Yuuri heard Victor ask. 

 

He turned to find his mate sitting up on his elbows, looking at Yuri with worry. Yuuri smiled at him reassuringly and said, "Still fine. He might want something for the pain."

 

Victor lay back heavily, palms rubbing at his face as he groaned lowly. "Gods..."

 

Yuuri carefully covered Yurio up again, looking at his face for a moment before returning to Victor's side. He wrapped a hand around Victor's wrist to tug his hand away from his face, gazing down at him with understanding. "It's okay to sleep," he said to him, trying to cajole him without making it sound like an order.

 

Looking at Yuri for a long moment, Victor sighed heavily, suddenly looking incredibly human and exhausted. "What will I do if I can't keep either of you safe?" he asked, his brow furrowing deeply as tears filled his eyes.

 

It frightened Yuuri to hear Victor sound so hopeless. He knew even the brightest people had their limits, and Victor had quite obviously reached his, watching his brother get hurt and killing the person responsible. Victor was blinking so rapidly, like he was trying to hold everything back, and Yuuri wrapped his arms around him. He felt Victor go tense before he finally let go and sagged against Yuuri, weeping silently as Yuuri whispered, "You don't have to worry about that now. Remember when we met and you couldn't Change? I protected you well enough, didn't I?"

 

Victor laughed weakly, wiping at his face and pressing his cheek against Yuuri's hair. "Yuri would be so annoyed, seeing me like this."

 

"Well, Yuri's still asleep," Yuuri said, rubbing Victor's back. "And I can keep a secret."

 

* * *

 

"So can you fly?"

 

Yuuri nearly choked on air, staring at Mari incredulously as she gave Yurio a stubbornly inquisitive look. Otabek was a bit more subtle about it, but his dark eyes were brightened by curiosity as he looked at Yurio. The boy had woken up grousing at Victor, telling him to get some rest and stop hovering over him.

 

It worked, and Victor was sleeping in Yuuri's room, as far as Yuuri knew, attempting to relax, as impossible as it seemed. But Yurio was awake, and Yuuri's mother hadn't seemed too worried about his recovery. Mari brought them all something to eat, and had obviously been waiting for the chance to interrogate one of the brothers. 

 

Yurio's eyes narrowed, as though the question had struck a nerve, and Yuuri recalled that Yurio hadn't chosen a third shape yet, still only Changing into a cat or a mouse so far. "I will one day," he answered, hotly determined despite his discomfort as he tried to keep from disturbing his wound or the bandages. "Something bigger than Victor. And I'll fly longer and faster."

 

"Victor says it isn't necessarily a choice," Yuuri told him, throat tight with slight anxiety as he thought of the world outside. He hadn't spoken to anyone about it, and was dreading any mention of it. "He told me he never really expected to Change into a wolf, and then it actually happened. It's like...it was inside him all along."

 

"Unbelievable," Mari said with a shake of her head. "All those dances, and all the stories...Turns out it's all true, and my brother married one of them."

 

"Mated," Yuuri clarified with a quick clearing of his throat, trying not to blush too obviously. "It's basically the same thing, really."

 

Yuri gave a snort and threw Otabek a dry look. "And they never shut up about it either. Try being stuck in a cabin with them for hours on end,  _hearing_ them."

 

"Oof," Mari replied, giving Yuuri a sidelong glance and a smirk. "I can just imagine from all I've witnessed ever since you guys got here." 

 

Yuuri rolled his eyes, trying very hard no to think of his first kiss with Victor, when he was drunk and overwhelmed. "Come on, we're not that bad..."

 

He tried to relax, listening his sister and brother-in-law's light-hearted teasing, watching Otabek try to relax, and picturing Victor getting the rest he so sorely needed. Yuuri wanted to forget about everything else, about the fact that Yuri and Otabek were injured because someone was trying to kill them, or that people were aiming weapons at him and Victor, furious and terrified. 

 

And then Yuuri's father stood in the doorway, poking his head in with his usual easy smile. "Yuuri? Yuuko and Takeshi are downstairs with the girls, they wanted to check in on everyone."

 

The three of them seemed to freeze in place, and Yuuri felt Yurio's and Mari's eyes on him. Tension crawled through his shoulders and he lost the rest of his appetite, thinking of the outside making its way into the safety of his home.  _It's Yuuko and Takeshi,_ he told himself as he got to his feet and brushed himself off.  _They wouldn't bring the girls if they were angry._

 

He still felt dread as he made his way downstairs, not sure how to face his friends or what they were going to say about...everything. 

 

His thoughts were thoroughly interrupted by three small girls barreling into him, shouting a bunch of questions at him.

 

"Where's Victor?!"

 

"Did he really turn into a wolf?!"

 

"Is he a wolf right now?"

 

"I wanna see Yurio turn into a cat!"

 

"Sorry, Yuuri," Takeshi said in a chagrined tone as he tried to grab all three of his daughters, giving him a grateful look as he held on to Lutz while he tucked Axel and Loop under each of his arms. "Word got around, and...well..."

 

Yuuri stared at Takeshi, gaze moving towards Yuuko as she got up to take her daughter from him. "Is Yurio alright?" she asked, eyes filling with concern. "And Victor?"

 

He stared at them both for a moment, arms laden with their children and still so worried about Yurio and Victor, even after word got around, as Takeshi put it. 

 

He had missed this. The three of them, close and connected, even with all the subtle tensions during Yuuri's relationship with Yuuko. It was still different, though. He was fighting that familiar urge to put some distance between them, to turn away from their worry and acknowledge that something was wrong, or that he needed to say  _something_ , to confide in them about something painful or worrying...

 

He sighed and replied, "They're fine. Yurio's awake and with Mari, and Victor's resting...He couldn't sleep."

 

Yuuri felt oddly lightheaded as they led him to a table, Takeshi shushing the girls and trying to keep them from clambering up the stairs to find Victor and Yurio. While he did that, Yuuko gave Yuuri a sympathetic look before quietly saying, "We had to get away from his father..."

 

"What's everyone saying?" Yuuri finally asked, dread filtering through his lightheadedness as he remembered the threatening looks from the day before.

 

Takeshi managed to sit down next to his wife, looking a bit grim before he replied, "Well, they're either caught between healthy curiosity and...thinking Victor's some kind of demon."

 

Yuuri shuddered and covered his eyes with his hand, anger and fear flooding him so rapidly he had to fight to get it under control and keep his voice level as he gritted out, "...People saw what happened. They saw that assassin try to kill Otabek. He  _hurt_ Victor's brother, and Victor just... _reacted_. He didn't hurt anyone else!"

 

"We know that," Yuuko told him in a calm voice, glancing towards the stairs and then at her daughters, having already occupied themselves on the floor beside them. "It's not all about Victor, though. Now they're saying that boy brought trouble to the village, and...well, a lot of people would be happy to see him leave."

 

"What do they want us to do? Kick him out while he's still healing?" Yuuri asked neither one in particular, feeling utterly outraged on Otabek's behalf.  

 

Takeshi gave him a shrug. "People are scared. I mean, we've started hearing about this war that's going on, and all of a sudden we've got assassins sneaking into people's homes and trying to kill Katsuki Hiroko's patients and family," he said, frown deepening as he went on, face starting to match the dark look on Yuuri's face. "But yeah, it's not all good to hear, and I keep hearing it in my own house. I didn't exactly want the girls to hear all of that."

 

Both men sighed, Yuuri rubbing his temples and trying not to think about making an enemy of half of the people in Hasetsu, Takeshi's difficult father included. When he looked up again, Yuuko was looking at him thoughtfully, and then she said in soft tones, "I guess you knew about..."

 

He gave her a wry look before replying, "About those myths being real? About Victor being able to turn into animals?" He let out a soft chuckle, managing to feel oddly relieved that he could talk to Yuuko and Takeshi about this and know that they were still on his side, somehow. "Yeah, I've...known it since we first met. He told me the same day we met, when a hunter shot him down. I couldn't say anything. I was planning on telling my parents, but...I wanted him safe. Both of them," he said, fists clenching as he thought of Yurio lying on the ground. "And now Yurio's hurt, and people wanted to kill Victor too..."

 

"Hey," Takeshi murmured, drawing Yuuri's gaze to him. "You've got all of us on your side. No matter what."

 

"Thanks. But you shouldn't...alienate everyone else for our sakes," Yuuri replied, thinking of Takeshi's father again and his generally hateful nature. "We're leaving as soon as Yurio recovers. Victor hasn't been home in months, and...now I think we've stayed too long."

 

"Yuuri, come on," Takeshi said with a slight frown. " _This_ is still your home."

 

Yuuri just shook his head with a sigh. "Yurio got hurt...He would've been fine if we'd just..."

 

Yuuko reached over to touch the back of his hand with soft fingertips, her touch a shock of warmth and calm. He looked at her, managing to meet the kindness in her gaze as she said, "This isn't your fault, Yuuri. You couldn't have known this would happen. And besides. Victor saved that young man twice now." 

 

Trying to appear grateful, Yuuri drew his hand away and stared at it, guilt swirling around his gut in a too-familiar way. "This was always planned out, though. I'd come home, see my parents again, and go to their village. We'd go back and forth, and...I'd get my life back to normal."

 

"It may be a bit hard, though," Takeshi said, suddenly looking grave. "It's an actual war, and there's a pair of recruiters that just arrived this morning, along with a handful of other soldiers in case of an attack. Heading in the direction of the fighting might not be the best plan right now. It's pretty much where everyone that's enlisted is heading, and they're doing their best to keep the Kazians from destroying every village they come across and hurting anyone going to fight."

 

"I can't believe this," Yuuri muttered, clenching his jaw as his stomach started to churn. Victor and Yuri had to go home, no matter what, and Yuuri had to find a way to make it happen. Their village was supposedly isolated, so they'd be  _safe_ , nothing would happen to them-

 

"Do these three belong to anyone?"

 

Yuuri's eyes burst open at the sound of Victor's voice, and he quickly turned towards it to see the man standing at the bottom of the stairs, Axel in one arm, Lutz in the other, and Loop sitting on his shoulder, holding on to his hair in her tiny fists.

 

The sight made Yuuri's heart melt.

 

Victor didn't seem to mind that there were tiny hands tugging at his hair and shirt, and Loop was certainly hanging on tightly to the silver strands as she demanded loudly, "Yuuri, tell him to turn into a wolf again!"

 

Yuuko and Takeshi, meanwhile, looked utterly flabbergasted and staring at each other as though trying to figure out  _how_ their daughters had moved so quickly. They quickly got to their feet to retrieve the girls, Yuuko scolding as she eased Loop off of Victor's shoulder, "Girls! I asked you to stay put!"

 

"Sorry, Victor," Takeshi said as Victor handed his two other squirming daughters to him.

 

Victor gave him a wide smile, though the exhaustion in his eyes was still somewhat evident. "No, it's fine! I was glad to see them," he said, genuine enjoyment filling his gaze as he looked at the Nishigoris with fondness.

 

"We heard that Yurio's going to be alright," Yuuko said with a kind smile.

 

Looking almost relieved by the statement, Victor returned her smile with a grateful one and said, "Mari and Otabek are still with him." Once they all sat down again and the girls were allowed to toddle around Victor and Yuuri, the silver-haired man sheepishly said, "So I suppose my secret's out." 

 

Yuuri could feel some manner of tension dissipate at that, and Takeshi's smirk grew as he kept on looking at Victor with a sort of curiosity. "Guess so. So how  _did_ you two actually meet?"

 

"Exactly how I said. Word-for-word," Yuuri replied, blushing at the memory and inwardly feeling relieved at this open acceptance from his oldest friends. "I just didn't mention the fact that Victor was shot out of the sky."

 

"Why would he be in...?" Yuuko's eyes then widened and she gave Victor an incredulous look as her jaw dropped. "You can  _fly?!"_

 

"As a falcon, yes," Victor told her, Yuuri watching him brighten with enthusiasm. Then Victor turned his gaze onto him, deeply adoring, and Yuuri's blush only intensified. "It was the best decision I ever made," Victor added.

 

Tucking his chin into his chest to hide his red face, Yuuri muttered, "I doubt Yurio would say that."

 

At the mention of Victor's little brother, Axel yanked on the front of Yuuri's shirt, asking in very demanding tones, "Can we go see Yurio turn into a cat?  _Please."_

 

Even the word wouldn't make her parents relent, and Yuuko firmly replied, "Yurio's still resting, Axel. Don't you three dare go up to bother him." 

 

For a moment Yuuri forgot that at the moment there were probably dozens of people his age, and younger, speaking to the recruiters Takeshi had mentioned. Victor and Yuri's way home was blocked off by a war zone.

 

He heard the door open, and a moment later they were all looking in the direction of Yuuri's mother. Tension raced its way back to the back of Yuuri's neck as he observed the unusually grim look on her face. He'd only seen that look when she was about to lose someone, thinking as quickly as she could to figure out a way to preserve the life that was slipping away. "Mom?" he called out.

 

She stopped, surprised, and turned towards them all, and almost immediately she gave them her usual warm and welcoming smile. "Oh, hello! How nice of you all to visit us!"

 

He could feel the confusion in Victor's thoughts, mirroring his own. He got up and went to her as the others greeted her quietly, and asked in low, worried tones, "Mom, did something happen? Did anyone bother you?"

 

She shook her head almost absently, which worried him even more. "No, no...Where's your father?"

 

"U-upstairs."

 

"Good. Good," she said softly, nodding a few more times before she started to move away from him.

 

Yuuri's heart sank as he looked at her, but he stayed by her side and asked hopefully. "Mom, is everything alright? Can I do anything?"  _Let me fix whatever this is. What's got you so worried?_

 

She turned and smiled at him again, the familiar one that was always so reassuring when Yuuri felt like the world was falling to pieces. "Don't worry about me, Yuuri," she said softly. She then looked at him for a long moment, eyes like his filling with warmth and a sort of ache that Yuuri couldn't identify, and said, "Everything will work out."

 

After that he let her go, watching her make her way up the stairs with soft steps. Yuuri had so many questions, sensing some change, something monumental, and he hated not knowing what it was. 

 

He went back to Victor and the Nishigoris, in desperate need of a distraction. Despite the small children among them, the mood had turned considerably somber, and Victor was quietly asking, "You really don't mind that I'm-"

 

Yuuko immediately interrupted, "Victor, it's fine. Yuuri trusts you. Why shouldn't we?"

 

Yet again the words just kept unraveling knots Yuuri hadn't even noticed, appreciating the tired relief on Victor's face as he gazed at all five Nishigoris. It almost dispelled the exhaustion in his eyes completely, and then he gave each of the triplets a devious look. "Do you want to see something amazing?"

 

"Yeah!" they all shouted in unison.

 

Yuuri smothered a laugh behind his hand as Victor Changed into a mouse.

 

The girls giggled in absolute delight as Victor ran in circles around them, and Yuuri had to bite back another laugh when Takeshi scrambled away and hid behind Yuuko, exclaiming hoarsely, "Oh, _spirit_ _s_ , my  _heart!"_

 

* * *

 

"You did  _what?!_ " Yuuri exclaimed in a mixture of surprise and outrage as he gaped at a beaming Victor.

 

His mate had the audacity to just go on smiling, as though Yuuri's heart weren't threatening to fly out of his chest. "I went out with Mari to buy groceries," he repeated casually, blinking at Yuuri with such innocence. "Is that so unusual?"

 

It certainly wasn't what Yuuri expected upon waking up _much_ too late and seeing that Victor was already washed and dressed for the day, only to find out from his own mouth that he'd actually left the inn and gone out to the market with Mari like  _nothing_ had changed. Anxiety seizing Yuuri by the throat, he knelt on the futon and faced Victor, asking firmly, "What happened? Did anyone say something?" If anyone had actually  _threatened_ Victor...

 

But Victor was still smiling at him, and then he reached up with a hand to stroke Yuuri's cheek with the backs of his fingers. "Why? Will you go out there and teach them a lesson, sweet piglet?" he asked softly as he leaned in to kiss Yuuri's jaw.

 

" _Victor!"_

 

"Big, strong, brave piglet," Victor went on, whispering between kisses to Yuuri's flushed neck.

 

Face becoming hot, Yuuri grabbed Victor's shoulders to shove him away, scowling at his laughter. " _Stop that_ and answer me!"

 

Once he finally stopped laughing, Victor went on smiling as he took hold of Yuuri's wrists, bringing his hands away from his shoulders and holding them between them. "There were a few who gave me a wide berth. Or they were scared of Mari glaring at them," he said with no small amount of amusement.

 

"Gods," Yuuri exhaled, his entire body tight with tension the way it had been for the past fortnight, worried over the remaining hostility from the village and all the news they were receiving from the front ever since the recruiters arrived. He dropped his forehead onto Victor's chest, shaking his head wearily. "You should have woken me. I could've gone with you!"

 

"You needed rest. You haven't slept well since this whole mess started," Victor replied rationally as his fingers stroked through Yuuri's sleep-disheveled hair. 

 

He had a point. Yuuri had been having trouble sleeping, tense as he avoided so many gazes whenever he ventured out only as necessary, almost as if he were back in his cabin, avoiding all eyes. And the night before he'd just been so incredibly tired he fell into the deepest sleep he'd had in weeks, which of course meant he hadn't heard or felt Victor leave. He doubted Victor had slept so well. He was always so restless, even when he had his own doubts about his reception outside the inn. "They could hurt you," he said softly, throat aching at the very thought. "And if they did I'd never forgive them." 

 

Victor sighed before pressing a kiss to Yuuri's hair, placing the tips of his fingers beneath Yuuri's chin to lift his face to his. His gaze was somehow so steady, and Yuuri envied it for a second before remembering the veiled whirlwind of love and grief and worry in Victor's soul. "They didn't hurt me. There were plenty of friendly faces. They asked after Yurio and Otabek...And more and more were talking about joining the army and going north to fight." Some of that grief seemed to spill over, Victor's eyes and mind swirling with it as Yuuri's heart began to hurt for him. Victor added, "It may not be so easy to go home. In fact maybe it was a good thing we stayed as long as we did."

 

Of course. Reaching the Mogota Mountains would be near impossible with the war. "I'm so sorry, Victor," Yuuri said, shame forcing his gaze away. It might have been better to leave for their village immediately, but...Yuuri might not have known if his family would find itself threatened by the war. How could he spend an entire war cloistered in Victor's village not knowing his family's fates when he could have seen them at least once? Even so he felt selfish for tarrying in Hasetsu so long. Voice tight with sorrow, he said, "You and Yurio, you could...I don't know, you could turn into a falcon and  _carry_ him-"

 

"That's actually harder than it sounds," Victor said with a soft chuckle. "Changers or not, mice wriggle around, and he can't exactly hold on to my feathers when I fly as fast as I do." He tapped Yuuri's cheek with a finger, drawing his gaze back to meet the seriousness in Victor's. "And don't even think about trying to talk me into leaving you behind," he told him, his quiet voice turned to iron.

 

Yuuri stared back, feeling the slight tremble in Victor's hand, realizing Victor just wasn't going to leave him _willingly_ , as torn as he was between him and the need to return to his home. And he had already done _so much_ for Yuuri. "I just keep messing things up," he murmured miserably, placing a shaking hand on Victor's chest. "Even if no one had seen you Change, I'm still the least welcome person in the village, and..." His hand closed into a fist, and he dropped his gaze to it. "...I'm just...I feel like I keep failing my parents..."  _And everyone else in my life._

 

His mind just kept racing, making him feel like he was rolling down a hill with no stop in sight. He had to do more and yet he wanted to hide from it all again, to somehow make everything the way it used to be on the _good_ days, and that it could all somehow include Victor and Yuri. He shut his eyes as Victor took his face in his hands, keeping them closed as he heard Victor say firmly, "You don't. You save lives, Yuuri, and you help people."

 

"I  _ran away._ Without a word," Yuuri said shakily, tears stinging the insides of his eyelids. "I left them with so many burdens, and the dishonor of a son who just abandons his family and loved ones-"

 

"And you've made up for it," the other man interrupted, stroking Yuuri's cheeks with his thumbs. "And you've been forgiven by everybody who matters."

 

Yuuri shook his head with a sniffle and gave in to the urge to hide his face in Victor's shoulder, feeling Victor's arms immediately wrap around him. "You don't understand. I haven't done everything I  _could,_ " he ground out, tears spilling onto Victor's shirt.

 

"Like what?"

 

"I don't know!" Yuuri blurted out in a pathetic-sounding sob. He raised his head and furiously wiped at his eyes, hating the stubborn tears. "It's not like I can just...give them back the last five years..." 

 

Victor held him wordlessly, and a sorrowful harmony resounded through their link. "We're bonded, you and I, but I still wish I could actually take all of this away from you. You shouldn't be in so much pain," he told him gently, whispering it all into Yuuri's ear.

 

He wanted so badly to hang on to the words, to just let go of the pain wrapping itself around his frantic heart. "It's what I deserve," he said, more to himself.

 

He felt Victor's denial like heat spreading from the center of his chest. "No. No it isn't. No one deserves this." 

 

Yuuri just couldn't be sure. Nothing could ever be as simple as he'd hoped, and he couldn't even think about the future. The future was so open, and Yuuri felt trapped in its vastness. He swallowed and took several deep breaths, trying to ease the pounding in his head, and he wryly told Victor, "At least when you go home, everyone's going to welcome you with open arms."

 

"When  _we_ go home," Victor insisted with a soft kiss to Yuuri's temple. "This is for life, remember?"

 

Of that much Yuuri wanted to be completely certain. "Yes," he said quietly, lifting his face again slowly to look at Victor's face. He probably looked awful after all of his crying, but that didn't stop Victor from kissing him softly, fingers digging into his hair again.

 

And then Yuuri heard Yurio growl from the other side of the door, "You two done in there?"

 

Yuuri tore away from Victor with a yelp, face scarlet as he sputtered, "Why is he u- _WHY ARE YOU UP!?"_

 

The door slid open with a bang, and a very grumpy Yurio gingerly stepped into the room, shutting the door behind him. "Because this cut itches like all the hells and your sister and mom are busy. _And_  I heard Victor fucking went outside  _without telling me!"_

 

"I knew I forgot to do something before I left!" Victor exclaimed with a wide and sheepish smile.

 

Yuuri anxiously watched Yurio get onto his knees as he supported himself by planting a hand on Victor's head, and recalled their tendency to heal rapidly. The bandage looked clean, to his relief, and then he frowned as he thought of what Yuri mentioned. "What do you mean my mom's busy?"

 

"She's cooped up talking with your dad. Has been for days, it's weird."

 

"Not eavesdropping again, are you, Yura?" Victor teased, pinching his brother's cheek.

 

" _No,_ " Yuri snarled, teeth snapping at Victor's hand.

 

Dragging a hand through his messy hair, Yuuri carefully observed the youth's movements and slight discomfort. "Does it hurt at all?"

 

"It's fucking uncomfortable," Yuri spat, hand moving to scratch at the bandages before Victor swatted his hand away. "At least I'll get a cool scar."

 

"No," Victor said with a grin purposefully meant to rile his brother up. "Too shallow and you had the three best healers working on you. I don't even have a scar on my arm from the arrow."

 

Their bickering gave Yuuri some sense of normalcy, but he wasn't going to trick himself into thinking things would be so simple.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prepare.
> 
> please comment!
> 
> song quoted: "Take Us Back" by Alela Diane


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been looking forward to writing this chapter for almost a year.

"Any idea what's up with Mom and Dad?" 

 

The question wasn't surprising. Neither was the fact that Yuuri had no answer for his sister other than, "I was hoping you had one. Why are we even so suspicious? They always  _talk_."

 

"Because we have a sixth sense for potential disaster?" she replied sardonically.

 

"Probably," he said just as dryly. Organizing their herb stores was a familiar enough job, one that gave Yuuri something mindless to do. It was different now that he had someone to talk to as he moved his hands, holding familiar bottles and pouches. It felt good to air out his worries aloud. And speaking of...He tried to sound casual when he asked Mari, "So...is Victor telling me the truth about your uneventful walk this morning?"

 

Mari gave a shrug and said, "You're the one who can read his mind."

 

"Mari..."

 

She sighed in mild exasperation, turning to tell him, "It was  _fine_. Do you really think anyone here wants to go toe-to-toe with a guy who can turn into a wolf?"

 

"Well, they were certainly ready to do it when they first saw that wolf," Yuuri reminded her, fury blazing through him at the thought of anyone thinking Victor was a legitimate threat.

 

He felt Mari's hand on his shoulder, squeezing in an attempt to calm him. Her dark eyes gazed at him steadily, a calm he'd always been envious of. "Trust me, okay? People will come around. They have more important things to worry about than legends turning out to be real."

 

He wanted to believe her, but it seemed that nothing could ease the worry in his very soul. "...I should check on Otabek," he murmured, getting to his feet and dusting himself off.

 

"I already did. We've got a little rapport going on."

 

Yuuri looked at her in surprise, and before he could stop himself he asked, "You?"

 

She didn't meet his gaze then, quietly replying, "I kind of had a long time to relearn everything Mom taught us."

 

 _While I was away,_ Yuuri thought with a guilty flush. Of course he couldn't just keep assuming Mari had completely given up on learning the healing arts, especially when his mother  _needed_ someone. And he'd seen Mari's improvement for himself. She'd succeeded where he'd failed. She'd stayed. "Oh."

 

Her face softened and she sighed heavily. "I didn't mean-"

 

"No, it's fine. I mean...it is true." After all, Mari stuck around. Mari was always there.

 

Any response Mari might have readied was interrupted when their father appeared at the door, and Yuuri found himself shocked by the unusually serious look on his face. "Good, you're both here," he said. "Your mother and I need to talk to you both."

 

Yuuri met his sister's eyes again, seeing that she shared his uncertainty as they got up to follow their father. 

 

It had to do with all the secrecy. Had his mother lied to him when he'd asked if everything was fine in the village? Had their hostility extended even to her?

 

Would it be possible to even forgive that?

 

Yuuri seriously doubted it.

 

His mind raced with that single thought, his insides feeling shaky and cold when the four of them sat down together.

 

Hiroko looked around the table, looking rather apprehensive, and asked Yuuri, "Where's Victor?"

 

"Upstairs with Yurio and Otabek," Yuuri replied, his heart racing anxiously. "Mom, what's this about?"

 

Her hesitation frightened him, and it lasted a few awful moments before she took a deep breath and clasped her hands together on the table, her eyes grave as they met all three of them. "You've both heard of...what's been happening in the north. What brought Otabek to us." She paused, meeting her husband's gaze, and Yuuri could see the exchange of pain between them.

 

Yuuri barely heard Mari's brief hitch of breath, terrified of whatever his mother wasn't saying. Years ago, when he was still small and Mari was still their mother's only apprentice, he hated to watch them leave for extended periods. And always his father laid a hand on his head, patting consolingly as he smiled.  _"Let's be as brave as we can, Yuuri. They'll be tired when they come home, you know."_

 

His mother took another breath and smiled as though to ease the blow of her words. "The recruiters aren't only looking for soldiers. They want capable healers. We have three in this house."

 

 _What are you saying...?_ Yuuri let that question fade. He knew what she was saying and his heart sank as soon as he realized it. His mother had never stopped being a healer. At her core she wanted to help others. It was one thing Yuuri was sure he had in common with her, as he'd gone on doing the same when he ran away.

 

And he wasn't a child anymore, but the idea of her leaving filled him with that same terror.

 

Then his mother finally said, "Your father and I have spoken of this, and...I want to join them, and help tend to wounded soldiers."

 

And Yuuri knew why hearing this was worse. Even as a boy he'd known his mother would come back. This was different. This was her willingly putting herself in danger, and they had no idea if she was going to _come back_. Yuuri might have asked hundreds of questions, like what his mother must have been thinking to reach such a decision, why his father looked so calm and why he'd even agreed to this? All that left Yuuri's lips was, "...What...?"

 

And then Mari, who had grown frightfully pale, demanded, "Dad, what is this?!"

 

"It's true," their father replied, grim and accepting, though the words were laden with a soft agony Yuuri never thought to hear from him. His smile was pained as he added, "I don't like it much, but I can't argue with your mother's calling. I know it'll hurt her to stand by and watch children we've known since they were little go to war. With any luck, it'll end soon, and we'll be together again."

 

He sounded so convinced of it, but Yuuri felt like his world, already fallen apart, was crumbling into even tinier pieces until he couldn't figure out how they even went together. He'd just gotten them back. He'd come back to them, and if she didn't...

 

Familiar, horrifying panic filled his chest and throat, rendering him silent while Mari asked incredulously, "Mom, you can't! Who'll keep you safe out there?"

 

 _Who'll help you?_ Yuuri thought, trying to keep his breaths under control as he looked at his mother, knowing for a fact how  _strong_ she was in every sense of the word but wanting to keep her as far from danger as possible because he couldn't imagine her so constantly surrounded by danger and violence. 

 

"Hopefully our Nihan soldiers are well-trained," she said to both of them, her dark eyes finally revealing a drop of pain, though she was obviously reluctant to let it show as she looked at all of them. "I hate the thought of leaving you all. I don't want to leave my home, all the faces I know and love..."

 

For a moment Yuuri hoped he saw her apprehension turn to a change of heart. She'd tell them all never mind, she'd do what she could from Hasetsu, and remain in the safety of their home. But it just wasn't in her. Her heart was generous, far too generous, and of course she wanted to extend that generosity to as many people as possible, especially when it meant making sure the young people of their village returned alive.

 

And then she added while looking right at Yuuri, "But there is a feeling in my heart, and it won't leave me in peace unless I do this. It's what I trained for, and...I know I'm leaving Hasetsu in the best possible hands." She said it with a smile of trust, one Yuuri was so sure he didn't deserve. 

 

Whatever he did or said wouldn't stop her, and even so he still murmured, "Mom, you..."

 

Nothing else came from him, and then she told him in gentle tones, "I just got you back. I'm...glad that you'll be safe here, where you belong."

 

 _But I don't belong here,_ he thought feverishly.  _I can't just stay either, I'm a healer I was_ always _a healer even when I ran and hid..._  

 

The realization was like a blast of air. He was a healer too, and he knew for sure he wouldn't be at peace if he didn't know whether or not she was alive or dead out in whatever place she ended up in. Wasn't her calling his as well? Hadn't he promised to bring healing to everyone he could? Hadn't he wanted a way to do more? To fulfill his calling and atone for failing his mother and sister?

 

Before he could stop himself, Yuuri blurted out, "Let me go with you!"

 

The vehemence in his voice surprised them all, and his parents and sister looked equally shocked after realizing what he'd said. Dismay flooded his mother's eyes as she looked at him, softly exclaiming, "Yuuri...!"

 

He headed off her refusals by insisting, "You just said you'd need help! Let me go with you and assist you. I can do my part too!" His heart kept racing, beating hard against his chest like he was running, trying to get away from the parts of him, loud and frantic, that wanted him to stay put, to stay away from all of this.

 

But that wasn't him. That couldn't be him. He had a responsibility towards his family, and every other person going to fight, even if they hated and feared him.

 

His father gave him a slight frown as he said, "Yuuri, shouldn't you talk w-"

 

"I can't just  _talk,_ " Yuuri interrupted, gazing at his mother and trying to ignore his sister's imploring gaze. "...I want to do more, I want to...atone for everything, and make up for all the times you all needed me, and I wasn't there-"

 

"You don't need to punish yourself, Yuuri," she said quietly.

 

No, _no,_ he needed her to  _understand._  "I have a calling too," he said, heart pounding at the sudden thought that she could order him to remain in Hasetsu. "Please, Mom. Mari can handle things here, and so can..." Ah. That too. Yuuri hadn't let himself think of him, because it would've kept him silent. He might have just stayed and worried fearfully until the war ended, whenever that happened. "...So can Victor," he finally said, his throat tight as he allowed himself to think about...leaving Victor. "He's learned a lot from me," he added quietly, his heart shattering as he apologized over and over in his head.

 

He'd have to leave Victor behind. And Yurio too.

 

They were all quiet, shocked into silence by everything that had transpired, and Yuuri didn't doubt they were all trying to come up with something to convince him otherwise. Then his mother asked softly, "Why don't we all sleep on this?"

 

He met her gaze, briefly shamed by the fear he found there. Fear for him. "I've made my decision," he replied firmly, prepared for a long fight to convince them. And Victor.

 

He knew Victor wasn't going to take any of this well.

 

"Listen to your mother, Yuuri," his father said with rare sternness. "Discuss it tomorrow. You may feel differently."

 

 _I won't,_ he thought as he got to his feet, feeling unsteady as he thought of everything they'd said to each other. 

 

The enormity of his decision, simple as it  _seemed_ , had him breathless even as he somehow made his way out of the room, and he wondered if he was going to be able to make it up the stairs. 

 

It had Yuuri feeling dizzy in seconds, and that part of him that wanted to stay just kept getting louder, almost urging him to go back and say he'd changed his mind.

 

He kept ignoring it. Forced himself to ignore it and keep going. His mother needed him, and he followed in her footsteps for a reason. Was it only to do it all halfway and choose what was easiest? Running away and keeping a mask on while he denied himself human contact, dying a slow death and sometimes even  _wishing_ for it?

 

But what was he supposed to say to Victor?

 

 _I'm sorry, Victor,_ he thought guiltily, shutting his eyes against all of the regret beating at him.

 

As a result he didn't see Victor as he rounded the corner, bumping into him and nearly falling backwards before a pair of arms caught him by the waist.

 

Yuuri gaped at Victor, heart sinking at the very visible look of hurt and betrayal filling those eyes he loved so much, and that told him that he didn't need to worry about telling Victor.

 

Of course that didn't ease the shame pounding in his throat, and Yuuri asked weakly, "...How much did you hear?"

 

He almost expected Victor to drop him, but he still held on to him even as his gaze and thoughts filled Yuuri with even more regret, at least for what he would undoubtedly make Victor go through. But he couldn't take any of it back. He didn't want to.

 

Victor frowned slightly and answered softly, "Everything. And I'm in your head, remember?"

 

That alone reminded Yuuri of that terrible need to hide everything away, even though Victor knew everything about him by now. He regained his footing, placing his hands on Victor's chest and being well-aware of how it seemed that he was putting distance between them. But Victor didn't let him go, those hands staying on his waist and keeping him in place. "Just what are you doing, Yuuri?" Victor asked him, eyes searching, desperate for an answer.

 

And then every old instinct of Yuuri's reared up, urging him to avoid _this_ part of the conversation. "Can we talk about this later?" he asked, knowing how pathetic he sounded as he drew away from the other man. 

 

He didn't want to walk away but he did, a hand on the wall as he made his way up the stairs with heavy steps. Of course Victor caught up to him, his voice low and angry and incredulous as he said, "We should have talked about this before you decided to go!"

 

Yuuri stopped, keeping his eyes in front of him and avoiding Victor's as much as he could. "I can't just let my mother go off on her own," he replied in soft, clipped tones.

 

Victor sighed, voice softened as he said, "I know that...I know that, but-"

 

Then Yuuri did face him, pleading for him to forgive him but unable to actually say the words. "Then you understand why I have to do this!" He could hold Victor's hurt gaze for only a few seconds before looking away, guilt turning him into a coward. "I'm sorry," he murmured. "I should've talked to you before, but I can't change that. And under no circumstances are you leaving Yuri by himself."

 

He took another step, but felt Victor's grip on his shoulder stop him once again. "Look at me, Yuuri," Victor said, entreating and firm. And Yuuri couldn't do it. He couldn't face that hurt again. "Please, think about this."

 

Victor was _begging_ , and Yuuri couldn't even..."I can't. I have to help...And I owe her this."

 

"And what about us?" Victor asked him, agony pulsing through their connection.

 

It choked Yuuri, filling every airway like he was drowning. He pulled his arm away, shutting his mind to everything and just moving, putting one foot in front of the other and going into Yurio's room.

 

Yurio was going to kill him.

 

He was sitting cross-legged at Otabek's bedside, the Kazian man sitting up and alert. Yuuri automatically met Otabek's gaze, unable to even look at Yurio. In the end Yurio had been right to be suspicious; Yuuri just kept hurting everyone who cared for him. Otabek gazed at him for a long moment before sighing and saying, "I assume your mother spoke to you."

 

Yuuri nodded minutely, keeping himself from flinching when Yurio asked demandingly, "What went on downstairs?"

 

Of course he must have heard. Just like Victor had. But Yuuri wouldn't ask that now. He looked at Otabek steadily, thinking about what he'd just said, and seeing the glimmer of guilt in his eyes. "You knew?" he asked Otabek, sounding more accusing than he meant to.

 

But Otabek did look ashamed when he replied slowly, "She...she told me I'd be able to leave soon, and that...she wanted to do more to help bring more Nihan soldiers back to their homes, alive. I said I'd follow the soldiers leaving the village, so that I'd be able to relay the information I have."

 

"Wait, she's doing  _what?!"_  Yuri blurted out, looking utterly outraged as he looked at the both of them. Then he turned to Yuuri and asked furiously, "And you're  _letting_ her?!"

 

He avoided the boy's gaze, only managing a shaky sigh as he replied, "I can't stop her. This is important to her. And it's important to me. I'm going with her."

 

Yuuri expected venomous oaths from him, for him to tell him he'd expected it. Somehow Yurio's silence still managed to say it all, and Yuuri had no way to deny it.  

 

It was even worse when he could feel all of the disdain dripping from Yurio's voice when he asked, "Does Victor know?"

 

"Yes, he does," Yuuri replied softly, meeting Otabek's shocked gaze one more time before he got to his feet and left the room. 

 

Once in the hall he realized that he was doing it again. He was running away from giving an explanation, trying to make everything easy for himself and not for anyone else.

 

He leaned against the wall and breathed raggedly. He should have said something to Victor first.

 

But he couldn't change it.

 

Could he fix it?

 

Victor wasn't in their room. 

 

He wasn't anywhere in the inn.

 

The panic he felt nearly rooted him to the spot, and he forced himself to find his way out of the back of the building to try and figure out where to even begin looking because Victor wouldn't just leave  _him-_

 

That long silver hair was almost a beacon in the encroaching darkness of nighttime.

 

Yuuri sighed in overwhelmed relief, causing Victor to turn around and face him. 

 

He still looked so hurt, but Yuuri forced himself to face it, to recognize the damage he was causing for once in his sorry life, even though he was trying to fix everything else and do  _something_ right.

 

"Please don't be mad at me," he entreated weakly, hating himself for sounding so pathetic.

 

Victor responded with a sharp scoff, his voice shaky when he asked, "What am I supposed to do?" He took a few steps towards Yuuri, but maintained the distance he'd placed between them earlier. "Am I supposed to go with you and leave Yurio? Or let you go without me? Did you even think of how impossible that would be for me?!"

 

"Am I supposed to watch my mother go to the front and wonder if I'm ever going to see her again?" Yuuri retorted, suddenly defensive. Wasn't he supposed to understand this? 

 

"You decided that well enough for the rest of us," Victor accused, hands clenching into fists at his sides as he tore his gaze away.

 

 _That was wrong_ , Yuuri thought, but Victor needed to understand because Yuuri couldn't just leave without  _that_. "I'm her son," he said quietly, gaze drawn to the grass beneath his feet. "I've let her down so many times, and...If I let her go I might regret it." And that was when he realized just what else he was doing to Victor. He was going to make him wait not just for him, but for the chance to see home again.

 

 _Well...that's fair,_ he told himself through the flood of misery that filled up his chest as his mind reached the only possible conclusion. He was leaving, so why couldn't Victor? Why keep him and Yuri here to just wait? They could go back to where they belonged while Yuuri did everything he could to make sure others went back home, and he might...

 

It hurt. It hurt more than anything else he'd ever felt, but still he managed to say, "...And maybe you shouldn't have to wait."

 

All of the anger rushed off of Victor's face, replaced by frozen shock as though Yuuri had dealt him a physical blow. "What are you saying?" he asked, sounding like he couldn't breathe.

 

This would hurt. Both of them. But Yuuri had to get it out, to give Victor every option he could so he wouldn't just stay here when he could find a way home because _maybe_ there was still a  _chance_ , if he left now rather than later. He swallowed through the thick ball of pain in his throat and said, "I'm saying...that you should take Yurio and try to go home. I'll...I'll catch up once this is over."

 

And he would, he _would_. But maybe Victor didn't hear any promise in his words, because he just looked so totally shattered as he said, "...I can't  _leave_ you."

 

Yuuri sighed and shook his head, his eyes starting to sting with tears he didn't want to let out. "You can't stay here and I can't let my mother go by herself. I have to do right by her and every other person going off to risk their lives."

 

"We have to talk about this," Victor suddenly told him, reaching for him and grabbing hold of his forearm.

 

It almost weakened Yuuri's resolve again, but what good would talking do? Neither of them would change their mind, it seemed. "Victor, I've made my choice. I have to be there for her!"

 

"I know that, but-"

 

"But what?" he asked, pulling his arm away before Victor could embrace him. "Please don't try to change my mind."

 

"I'm not...trying to!" Victor exclaimed, looking wildly torn. "I just wish you'd talked to me-"

 

"Like you'd ever let me go!" Yuuri retorted accusingly.

 

And then Victor was dragging a hand through his scalp in pained annoyance, blinking away tears like he refused to let Yuuri see them. "You don't even know  _when_ this war will end! It just doesn't make sense, it's just... _people_ fighting each other! I understand it, but at the same time I  _don't!_ It's all just more human foolishness!" He turned his tear-bright glare on Yuuri, adding angrily, "And you just...decided to leave without even talking to me-"

 

"Was I supposed to ask your permission?" Yuuri asked, still hotly defensive and impatient.

 

Victor's glare faded and he sighed heavily, shoulders sagging like he was about to crumble. "No, that's not...I know you can't let your mother go by herself-"

 

"Then you know that I have to go," Yuuri interrupted with finality. This would hurt them both, but there were things he just couldn't take back. Things he didn't want to take back. "I can't just turn my back on this war, or on her! I'm sorry I can't give you a perfect life, but there's a war going on, and people are getting killed every day. I can't just...turn my back on that."

 

Victor's face lost all expression at that, and he was silent for a few seconds before his face and mind closed off completely. Then he said in low, hard tones, "I know life isn't perfect, Yuuri, and I know that people die every single day. I've known that for a  _very_ long time." He looked like he wanted to say more, but then he just shook his head with a heavy sigh, and said gravely, "I won't stop you. I'll let you...do what you have to."

 

He walked past Yuuri, avoiding brushing against him, and Yuuri didn't stop him.

 

He didn't turn to watch him walk away, or even in which direction he went.

 

Yuuri stayed rooted to the ground, and his mind thought up about fifty different ways that that could have gone better.

 

He reached out with his mind. 

 

He met only a barrier.

 

He didn't try again, and he went back inside.

 

* * *

 

Yuuri didn't sleep that night.

 

He'd gone through the motions of making his preparations, anxious and ashamed as he wondered where Victor was, and even asked himself if he'd driven him away for good. Of course Victor wasn't about to leave without Yuri, and the boy was still abed once night truly fell.

 

 _That won't stop him from taking him tomorrow and just going somewhere else, even if they can't go north,_ Yuuri told himself. What had he expected after practically  _demanding_ that Victor just accept his decision without issue.

 

He was an idiot, an absolute idiot. 

 

And he was so much of one that he lay on his side, facing away from Victor when he finally did enter their bedroom. Yuuri felt so unspeakably relieved that he almost forgot how hurt Victor had looked before leaving. Maybe Victor wouldn't even want to look at him. So Yuuri stayed as still as he could, breathed as evenly as possible, and kept his eyes closed, feeling Victor lie down quietly, without speaking a word to Yuuri.

 

Maybe he was still so wounded he didn't even want to say a word to him. Or he just wanted to let Yuuri sleep.

 

But Yuuri couldn't sleep, and so he didn't.

 

In the morning it was the same, only in reverse, and Yuuri listened silently as Victor got up at dawn and moved around the room, cleaning up and getting dressed before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. Yuuri sagged into the bed in a mixture of guilt and relief, but the relief didn't really last long, and his entire body ached with exhaustion.

 

It didn't improve as the day went on, and Yuuri had no idea what Victor was preoccupying himself with if he wasn't with Yuri and Otabek. He hadn't been hungry at all, but he did worry if Victor had eaten at all. He'd have to ask when he next saw Victor, if they decided to actually face each other.

 

Only a few more days. A few more days and Yuuri might lose the chance to say what he could have said the night before. He and his mother would leave and he had no idea  _when_ he'd return, or...

 

Or if Victor would still be there. After all, Yuuri had given him the option to leave.

 

 _And maybe he should,_ he thought, acknowledging the stab of pain the thought brought him.

 

Would he even be able to find the village once the war ended? Would Victor even welcome him, or his friends and family?

 

Yuuri was pondering this as he spent the morning with his father, tidying up the kitchen.

 

Maybe he and his mother and sister hoped he'd changed his mind overnight. Maybe they'd sensed the obvious tension between him and Victor. No one had commented on it. Yet.

 

"Did you and Victor have a chance to talk?"

 

Their backs were to each other as they put the room back in order, and Yuuri felt his skin heat up as he thought of their "talk." No, it wasn't really a talk. Rather than go into those details, he replied as steadily as he could, "It went about as well as I thought it would." His voice sounded strange from disuse, but it was honestly the best answer he could give her.

 

He was putting a pot away when he heard his father sigh, and he could hear the dismay in it. Gods, to him it must have seemed that Yuuri had made an utter mess of things, and he almost expected him to start convincing him to stay in Hasetsu and wait things out. Then he said, "There's no surprise there. It must have come as a nasty surprise. Your mother talked to me about it for days, and I was still shocked when she talked to us yesterday."

 

The talking part. His parents had talked about this for days, and maybe his father was still apprehensive about letting his wife go to a battlefield. Yuuri hadn't even given Victor that chance because he was so afraid of the chance slipping away, of his own fears getting the better of him and making him stay in Hasetsu when he could have been doing more good for others.

 

Moments passed and Yuuri said nothing else to his father, losing himself in his thoughts. He almost didn't hear his father approach until he caught him on the periphery of his vision, and Yuuri turned to look at him as he said with a worried look, "You can't do this again, Yuuri." 

 

"Do what again?" Yuuri asked, his stomach sinking.

 

"Decide what's best for everyone," his father said, a frown wrinkling his brow. "Run away instead of confronting things directly."

 

"I'm not running..." Even he didn't quite believe it as he said it.

 

"It's been hard for you here, I get it," his father said after a brief moment of silence, looking more disturbed than Yuuri had ever seen him in his life. ( _No,_ he thought.  _You don't know what he felt when you ran away._ ) Then he added, "And it makes me angry because you're still my son. I don't want people to make life any harder for you than it already has to be."

 

Hearing that warmed Yuuri a bit, but the feeling was immediately followed by even more shame at the thought of his father setting himself against people he'd known all his life all for Yuuri's sake.

 

His father placed a hand on his shoulder, as if to steady him, and said in soft, chiding tones, "But you can't decide that people will be better off without you. It hurts us and it hurts you. All those years, we just wanted  _our_ son back. Mari wanted her brother back. And now Victor is going to wait for you, and just want you back home."

 

Yuuri closed his eyes, agony burning through his limbs at the reminder. "I told him to go home. He shouldn't have to stay away from his home any longer."

 

His father breathed out a soft laugh, filled with sympathy. "He won't leave you, and he won't put his brother in danger by taking him north."

 

Yuuri knew that. He'd known that the entire time and still he wanted Victor to know he still had a chance.

 

 

"It looks like I can't stop you," his father said to him, smiling ruefully and squeezing his shoulder. "Your mother can't stop you, and neither can your sister. Just...try not to leave things as they are."

 

After that he left Yuuri alone, and Yuuri was overcome with such exhaustion he almost wanted to crawl into bed, in a dark room in some lonely place.

 

Ah. That sounded familiar.

 

And wrong.

 

At least...it was  _supposed_ to feel wrong.

 

Trying to shake the thought out of his head, Yuuri rubbed his face with his hands before dragging his fingers through his hair. 

 

He needed to talk to Victor.

 

_Too late for that, don't you think?_

 

"Shut up," he snarled at himself before hurrying out of the kitchen and trying to think of where he might find Victor. He needed to apologize, and he needed to...to not  _force_ him to understand...

 

The halls felt like a maze, and Yuuri could almost feel his vision blur even more. He reached out with his mind, but he only found that stubborn barrier, and  _gods_ , he hated it. 

 

But he had only himself to blame.

 

He didn't dare go into Yurio's room and meet the boy's hatred. After all he'd been right to be suspicious of him after everything he'd learned about him and Yuuko. But he did look in the other rooms.

 

He was getting ready to panic when he reached the rear doors, to where they had argued the night before, and once again he found him there, and he stopped in his tracks at the sight of him.

 

Victor stared right at him, his expression indiscernible. Yuuri had no clue what to make of it and suddenly he had no idea what to say. All that came out was, "...Where were you?"

 

He winced as he heard himself, but saw no such reaction from Victor, who just stared at him blankly, like he hadn't been furious at him yesterday. "I was out. On a walk."

 

His voice sounded so steady Yuuri couldn't help but stare at him in disbelief. He walked towards him, reaching out to try and take his hand. "I need to talk to you."

 

"It's fine," Victor said, taking a step back and shocking Yuuri with a soft smile. "I'm not angry, Yuuri. This is something you need to do, and I'll stand by your decision."

 

It was...more or less what Yuuri had _hoped_ to hear last night, but...He shouldn't have wanted to hear it just like that. As though Victor wasn't going to put up more of a fight. "...That's it?" he asked, staring at Victor in confusion.

 

"Do you need something else?" Victor asked him.

 

_...I need you to to say something. I need you to be angry at me. I'm trying to give you the time you need to be angry and hurt..._

 

Yuuri couldn't put it into words, and he couldn't get it through their link because it was virtually nonexistent. And so he tore he gaze away, staring at the ground between them.

 

Victor said nothing for a moment, and when he finally spoke he said, "I'm...going to go see if your mother has any extra notes. Mari and I are going to have our work cut out for us."

 

Once again Victor walked past him without a single touch, and Yuuri yet again said nothing to stop him.

 

Victor was lying, he realized. Nothing was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @willag, you guessed **everything** so I hope you had a good time reading this. (seriously I was _beaming_ reading your comment on the first chapter. how's it feel to be psychic? :D)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i lied last time. i've been looking forward to writing **_this_** chapter for almost a year.

Another night of awful sleeplessness, Yuuri and Victor sleeping with their backs to each other.

 

Victor hadn't held him at all. Hadn't made a single move to touch him. Obviously nothing between them was fine. 

 

And so Yuuri had lain awake, trying to figure out how to fix the mess he'd made before he, his mother, and every other conscript headed north in three days.

 

Yuuri wanted to curse himself for making such a rash decision in the first place, which seemed to be the only thing that he was best at, he supposed. But he couldn't just change his mind, not when he had duties to attend to. 

 

But he had a duty to Victor and their relationship, which meant actually approaching him and talking about what had gone wrong and how to fix it before Yuuri left.

 

At least he hoped it could be fixed. If it couldn't Yuuri had no idea if he would survive months without knowing if his relationship with Victor would be the same.

 

Breakfast had been civil enough. Almost. Yuri and Otabek were finally able to join them, the blond boy shooting hateful glares in Yuuri's direction several times. Victor was uncharacteristically silent, looking like he'd lost his appetite. Yuuri felt the same. 

 

Feeling tense, Yuuri decided to follow his mother into their storeroom, and the simple act of helping her get the necessary supplies in order seemed to show her that his decision was final.

 

"Kenjiro's going too," she said as she handed him a roll of bandages.

 

He nearly dropped the roll, gaping at her in shock. "Minami? He's only eighteen!"

 

His mother nodded somberly, though he could see the flicker of distress in her eyes. "Old enough to marry. Old enough to fight. It feels like it was only yesterday he was trailing after you in Minako's dance hall. Now, in the blink of an eye, you're all...grown up, getting married..." She closed her eyes with a shake of her head, and Yuuri could only look at her, wondering what he could say. "It used to be simpler. But times like these remind me why I asked my father to teach me everything he knew."

 

Simpler. Back when she had a son who _didn't_ run away and made his family wonder if he really was safe for five years. Yuuri wasn't a parent. He'd probably never be a parent, but he understood enough to realize that his pathetic letters would  _never_ have been enough for his parents, no matter how often he sent them.  

 

And it wasn't often.

 

His mother didn't give him another bandage roll, instead kneeling in front of him and looking him right in the eye. "I taught you and Mari everything I knew, and I know that you're a kind young man who wants to do everything he can, but you shouldn't do  _this_ to punish yourself."

 

Yuuri flushed, feeling like a child caught in the act. "It's not...about that," he murmured, tucking his chin into his chest. "You shouldn't be going on your own. I'm your apprentice, and I'm supposed to be with you."

 

"And what if I wanted you here? If I wanted both of my children safe at home?" she asked, and Yuuri looked up to find her looking at him imploringly. "What if I want to know for certain that you're safe, where you belong?"

 

Because she hadn't really known for five years. None of them had. But however long it had been since he'd returned, it didn't feel like he belonged. Maybe he never would. But he knew what he could do, that when he danced or healed he was in his element. That had to be enough for him. "...This was my calling too. When I ran off, I could've done anything else. I decided to keep healing. It was what I cared about. But I need to do  _something_. I've helped people for years, and I can help even more. Please let me come with you."

 

He could see the start of a counter-argument in her eyes, one he was too exhausted to fight but would anyway because this was something he had to do. But then she sighed and smiled forlornly. "I can't stop you. You're willful, like me. Like your sister. I can't curb that."

 

Yuuri let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. She would let him join her. She wouldn't have to endure blood and death on her own. He could do right by her.

 

He tried not to let his relief show so blatantly, and then she looked at him once again before saying, "But before we leave, make things right with Victor. You'll regret it if you don't."

 

"...I know," he admitted, instantly reminded of their misery.

 

 _If you really loved him,_ he thought.  _If you really loved him as much as you've said you do, you'd go find him and make sure he really was alright. You'd try to fix the mess you made._

 

He left the storeroom once he was finished, and realized he was still trying to run and hide.

 

Years ago he'd done the same, and he'd lost something that might not have fixed everything wrong with him, but would have been wonderful on its own. And he'd let go. His feelings had faded out of guilt, and he'd moved on, knowing he could never get that back.

 

How awful, to just...let it happen again. 

 

 _I don't want to lose him,_ Yuuri thought as he walked through the halls, hand stroking the wall as he moved.  _I can't do this again. I can't push him away just because I'm...I'm so..._

 

No more excuses. No trying to explain everything. He couldn't keep hiding from Victor, nor could he let Victor hide either. At least Yuuri assumed he was hiding. He hadn't seen him since breakfast.

 

Logically, Yurio's room was the first place to look, and Yuuri couldn't hide from him either. The boy had every right to be angry with him. Yuuri had done the one thing that essentially guaranteed he and Victor weren't going home for a long time.

 

Yuuri kept that in mind as he made his way into the room, and found Yuri and Otabek mid-conversation.

 

Yuri must have been able to hear him coming, because he was already glaring at him furiously while Otabek was barely becoming aware of the tension in the room, looking at them both rather uncomfortably.

 

Swallowing, Yuuri stepped further in, well-aware of the little hiss Yurio responded with. "...Do either of you know where Victor is?"

 

" _No,_ " Yurio snapped, looking at Yuuri like he was a piece of rotten meat.

 

As much as he felt like a piece of rotten meat, Yuuri had to persist. "I really need to find him," he said, raising his voice slightly and making sure he sounded firm. 

 

But the look on Yurio's face made it clear Yuuri wasn't going to get any answers out of him.

 

"...He said he was going out for a walk."

 

It was Otabek who spoke, and Yurio tossed a look of fury his way. The older boy wasn't cowed, and Yuuri sighed as he gave him a grateful smile. "Thanks, Otabek."

 

He left the room, but not before spotting a brief look of worry on Otabek's face as he looked at Yurio. As soon as he shut the door he heard Yurio let out a slew of what he believed were curses in what he assumed was Ruthenian. 

 

Maybe Yuuri would have a chance to make things right with Yurio. Maybe today, or...whenever they saw each other again.

 

When he went outside, Victor wasn't there.

 

He tried not to let despair build in his heart, but it wasn't as though he could just think  _where are you_ when Victor couldn't hear him. 

 

Looking around anxiously, Yuuri tried to think, he tried to figure out where Victor might have gone because no matter how  _hurt_ or angry he was, he wouldn't just leave his brother behind.

 

He thought of every place he knew, every place he'd shown Victor.

 

And then it came to him.

 

A perfect place to be completely alone. Yuuri's sanctuary in the years before his flight. 

 

 _Why didn't I think of it before?_ Yuuri wondered as he started running off in that direction.

 

He had to stop for breath several times, and everyone who caught sight of him probably thought he had gone mad. But Yuuri didn't care about that, or the way his lungs burned.

 

If Victor wasn't in that clearing he didn't know what he would do.

 

_Please be there. Please give me another chance._

 

He was making so much noise running through all the grass and through the bushes, panting for breath as he went. He was giving himself away, but maybe that was a good thing. Maybe he needed Victor to see and hear him coming after him, and he could finally open up to him again.

 

Yuuri burst into the clearing, stumbling onto the grass and landing on his hands and knees with a yelp. His head shot up and he searched frantically for any sign of-

 

"Yuuri?"

 

Blinking furiously, Yuuri tried to focus on the blurry, silvery shape set against one of the trees. He couldn't help but let out a relieved laugh as he scrambled to his feet and got closer to Victor, the sight of him becoming clearer.

 

Victor stared up at him for a moment, and the surprise in his eyes hurt to see. Worse still his eyes looked slightly reddened from crying, though he still looked so painfully lovely. His hair was caught in a low ponytail, only because Yuuri hadn't braided his hair. 

 

Kneeling in front of him, Yuuri tried to think of something he could say that wouldn't have Victor trying to hide from him, but all he could come up with was, "You've been crying."

 

And of course that only resulted in Victor rapidly wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand, shaking his head and getting to his feet without a hint of a smile. "Don't worry about me, just..."

 

He sounded so tired to the bone, and Yuuri quickly got to his feet and went to stand in Victor's way, looking straight up at him as he said, "Of course I'm going to worry. Victor...I was so out of line. I should've talked to you, I should've..." He didn't see a single change in Victor's expression, and his heart began to sink. Desperate, Yuuri reached out for Victor's hands, taking them in his own and adding, "We're  _together,_ and anything one of us decides affects the other. I should've remembered that, and I shouldn't have gotten angry at you for getting upset. I'm sorry."

 

Victor's gaze wandered down to their joined hands, his getting squeezed by Yuuri's. 

 

And that was when Yuuri remembered how terrifying silence was. In his solitude he'd tried to convince himself that he was used to it. That it was safe. But no. He hated it. He hated it so much. "Say something," he begged quietly, his hands trembling.

 

Victor didn't raise his gaze, blinking twice before he finally said in a flat tone, "I don't have anything to say other than...I forgive you." 

 

"No, that's not it," Yuuri said, reaching up to cup Victor's chin and tip his face up, though Victor still avoided his gaze. "You wouldn't be keeping me out of your head if you had nothing else to say to me."

 

Victor flinched at that, trying to pull his hand away before Yuuri tightened his grip. "Because I don't," he said, brow wrinkling with a slight frown.

 

"Then let me in," Yuuri dared him, still looking right at him. "Be mad at me, I deserve it. I treated you like you were...like you were exaggerating. Like you didn't know what real pain was." He hated himself for being so thoughtless with his words. Of course Victor knew. He'd lost his parents in such a violent manner and had become a master at masking his pain. And Yuuri knew that pain, feeling it ripple across their connection every now and then.

 

Victor then did look at him, that same pain flooding his eyes again. "...I don't...want to be angry with you when you're about to leave," he said, his voice soft and pained. "It's not going to fix anything."

 

And then Yuuri felt a quick tendril through their connection, gone as soon as he acknowledged it. But he chased after it, holding Victor's gaze and stroking his cheek with his thumb. "Be angry with me.  _Someone_  has to be angry with me. I hurt you. I'm hurting you, and I'm going to keep hurting you and I'm just so  _stupid_ , because I never learn..."

 

He could feel tears stinging at the corners of his eyes, and he tried blinking them away, hating the way his voice cracked. He shut his eyes, wanting to trap the sob that wanted out of his chest, pain and self-hatred seizing him by the throat.  _Stop crying, damn it._

 

He heard a sob that didn't come from his mouth, and suddenly Victor's hands were framing his face. Yuuri opened his eyes, tears running down his face, and saw that Victor was very much in the same state, though pain and anger blazed from his eyes as he said in quiet, furious tones, "What am I supposed to do? Yell? Call you selfish?  _I'm_ selfish too! I want to keep you here and I want to go with you because I never want to wake up without you by my side again."

 

He then seized Yuuri in a hard embrace, fingers burying themselves in Yuuri's hair. Yuuri, his mouth pressed against Victor's shoulder, stood absolutely still as Victor added with so much sorrow, "But I can't. I can't control you. How is control love? But even saying that aloud doesn't stop me from feeling  _angry_ at you..." 

 

Yuuri sagged against him as he said it, feeling Victor shake with soft sobs. He raised his arms to wrap them loosely around Victor's waist, rejoicing at the touch even as he tried to do something to comfort the other man.

 

"I can't lose you too," Victor murmured against his ear. "My life is perfect, but at the same time it's not as perfect as I would want it to be. Do you know why?" He drew away, looking at Yuuri tearfully, and suddenly their connection reopened, a flood of lost and lonely thoughts and memories pouring into Yuuri's mind. Fresh tears made their way down Yuuri's cheeks as he beheld every thought, feeling sixteen years of pain and loss. Then Victor said, "Yuri  _never_  got to dance to our mother's music. He never got to see or smell the flowers our father grew. And I'll never get that back. I've wanted it all back since I was twelve, but it will never happen. And if I lose you...What will I do?"

 

He closed his eyes as he pressed his forehead against Yuuri's, agony tracing his every feature as Yuuri gazed at him, utterly shattered.

 

Tears running down his face unchecked, Victor uttered, "I want so badly to go with you, to make sure you're safe...But I can't leave Yuri."

 

He said it with such heartbreak, and Yuuri could feel it like it was coming from his own chest, but he wasn't going to acknowledge it. This was his own fault, after all, and Victor was the one who was going to have to wait. "I know. I wouldn't ask you to leave him. No matter what he says...he needs you more than I do." He then took a deep breath, swallowing and adding as he buried all of the agony in his heart, "...But I'd ask you to try and go home, where you'll be safe."

 

As he expected, Victor shook his head and said, "We can't."

 

"Please, just..." Suddenly a sob broke out from between Yuuri's lips, and he sank down to his knees as he held on to Victor's hands, begging in a broken voice, "Just go, get away from all of this! I don't know if you'll be safe here! Just take Yuri and go home, _please!"_

 

While all reason told him it was futile to beg for such a thing, Yuuri felt like he had to keep trying. Victor knelt with him, holding him close again and shaking his head as he reminded Yuuri, "Even if we did leave, it's still dangerous, Yuuri. I don't dare cross a war zone with Yura in any form. It's safe here, still, and it means Yura will be safe." Once again he took Yuuri's face in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to his lips, and Yuuri could only taste their mutual sorrow. "And I told you, I'm not going back without you."

 

Yuuri weakly beat his fist against Victor's shoulder, hating his stubbornness. Yuuri couldn't be worth spending entire months, maybe _years_ without Victor and Yurio seeing their home again. "Don't do this. Don't...Don't stay here for my sake," he sobbed out, wanting to say with utter confidence that he could find his way to Victor's village, no matter how long it took him to find it.

 

But he knew it was a lost cause when Victor shook his head again with a sad smile, brushing away his tears with a gentle hand. "I will think about you every moment you're away. I'll burn for you. I'll wonder if you're alright and I'll want to know if you're eating and resting and taking care of yourself." Tears filled his eyes again, and Yuuri hated himself for being the cause. "And when you come back, I'll take you in my arms and I'll never let you go again," he added as he buried his face in Yuuri's hair, holding him tightly. "You were right. You have to go, you have to be there for your mother." 

 

"Victor..."

 

"Stay with her. Keep each other safe and happy," Victor murmured as he stroked Yuuri's back steadily. "I don't want you to lose her. I don't want you to feel that pain..."

 

 _How can I do this?_ Yuuri thought miserably, clutching Victor's shoulders like a lifeline as they both wept.  _You're in pain because of me. Why keep choosing me, over and over?_

 

Their lips met in sloppy desperation, Yuuri wanting to clear his mind and re-establish the bond he'd nearly severed. Neither of them could change anything else, it seemed. Not today, not tomorrow. Not on Yuuri's last day in Hasetsu. 

 

* * *

 

 

Otabek was out on a walk with Mari and Yuuri's mother, having recovered enough strength to do so.

 

That meant Yuuri would be able to face Yurio alone. Victor had offered to accompany him to try and mediate things, but Yuuri had convinced him to let them have a few moments alone, and so Victor was left to wait in Yuuri's room, to wonder if Yuuri would even come out of the conversation with Yurio in once piece.

 

Yet again Yuuri was standing in front of the door, forgetting to knock as he slid it open, just wanting to get everything over with. Even if Yurio ended up hating him for good, at least Yuuri tried to reach out to him.

 

Just as he'd hoped, he found Yurio sitting against a wall, the lines of his body tense with anger. He didn't look up when Yuuri entered the room, or when he slid the door shut behind him.

 

It was definitely discouraging, but Yurio was his family too. He couldn't just leave things as they were with him, especially now that he would be staying in Hasetsu for the duration of the war. Yuuri owed him immensely, even after accepting that he was indeed safest here with Victor. 

 

He walked past the untidy futon, and knelt in front of Yurio, swallowing and trying not to screw this up even worse than he already had. "Yuri, I..."

 

"I know," Yurio interrupted in a surprisingly quiet tone. His brow remained wrinkled in a frown, but he was finally looking up at Yuuri with the same exhaustion Victor had held in his eyes. "You're leaving, Otabek's leaving, and Victor and I are staying right here."

 

It seemed the guilt wouldn't leave Yuuri alone, but he accepted it. "I'm sorry. You have every right to hate me-"

 

"Just come back," came the second interruption, Yurio shaking his head and looking at Yuuri like he would accept no other outcome. "I said I'd never let Victor out of my sight again. So he's not sending me home and I'm not leaving him alone, or else I'm sure he'd do something stupid. So you just stay alive so we don't keep losing people."

 

 _"We,"_  he'd said. Yurio had said _"we"_. It allowed Yuuri to breathe a bit more, and he owed Yurio no other answer other than, "I promise."

 

But Yurio shook his head at that, saying, "Don't promise. Just do it." He then looked away with a far-off look, shrugging and asking tiredly, "Why would I even go? We're all we've got left...and Otabek's probably gonna go home right after this stupid war ends."

 

He shifted uncertainly as he spoke of the older boy, and Yuuri spotted the little blush high on Yurio's cheeks. He couldn't help but smile, but quickly curbed it before asking Yurio, "You're going to miss him, aren't you?"

 

The boy was quiet for a moment, that blush staying in place for several moments before he finally said, "Yeah..." 

 

Yuuri said nothing else, merely nodding and sitting with Yurio.

 

* * *

 

 

It was their last night.

 

Yuuri almost didn't want to shut the door behind him, but he knew he couldn't stretch out the time.

 

They'd all spent the last few days together as happily as they could, despite the dark cloud hanging over them.

 

Yuuri couldn't allow himself any more time for regret, so he closed the door behind him, prompting Victor to look up at him with that same look of pained apprehension on his face. 

 

He was already sitting on the bed, silver braid hanging over his shoulder as he gazed up at Yuuri.

 

His heart aching at the thought of how much he would  _miss_ this, Yuuri made his way over to Victor, the other man immediately touching his wrist once he was within reach. Yuuri didn't have a chance to lie down before he was completely wrapped up in Victor's arms.

 

For all the hours left until morning, Yuuri didn't think he would sleep. It would only hasten the morning's arrival, and even though Yuuri _thought_ he was ready to leave, to...to face blood and death on a battlefield without even the consolation of Victor waiting for him.

 

He touched the bare, hot skin of Victor's chest, knowing he would never be able to get enough of this feeling. He needed to do or say something, and all he could come up with was, "...Yuri hasn't picked a third animal."

 

"He hasn't," Victor replied quietly, tightening his hold on him.

 

"...I hope it's something with wings," Yuuri said, a pathetic attempt at a last ditch effort that he knew wouldn't work. "And if it is, please try to..." He couldn't finish.

 

"Stop it," Victor muttered. "Stop it. I'm going to wait for you. I'll wait as long as it takes, I promise. You just promise me you'll stay safe."

 

"I promise," Yuuri said with a harsh exhale, drawing away to look down at Victor, reaching down to stroke the length of his braid. Victor sat up, gazing at Yuuri and drinking in the sight of him as Yuuri carefully undid his braid and gently ran his fingers through his hair, marveling at the softness much like he had the first time he touched the silver tresses. "I promise, and I'm going to keep that promise. I'm coming back," he said with all the certainty he could muster, looking Victor in the eye.

 

It was a moment before Victor took Yuuri's face in his hands and pulled him into a hard kiss, demanding and heated. Victor's hands dug through his hair, anchoring him in place as they kissed desperately.

 

"I want to feel you," Victor breathed, tugging at Yuuri's clothes before tossing him onto his back, Yuuri grunting in surprise and breathing heavily as Victor pulled his trousers off, leaving him completely bare. 

 

They hadn't made love since before Otabek's arrival, and Victor was already frantically reaching for the bottle of oil tucked close to the futon. He set it next to Yuuri's arm, the younger man staring at him as he slid out of his own trousers, gazing down at him with need. Before he knew it Victor was pouring oil onto his own fingers, coating them evenly before he straddled Yuuri's lap and reached behind himself.

 

Yuuri's hands found their way to Victor's thighs, stroking them up and down as he felt himself grow hard at the sight of Victor stretching himself open, face flushed pink as a wince crossed it. 

 

Wrapping a hand around Victor's length, Yuuri tried to urge him to slow down, too dazed to speak as he gave him slow pumps. Then Victor pulled his fingers out of himself and eased his way up until the head of Yuuri's cock was pressing against his entrance. Suddenly he was reaching down to keep it steady as he lowered himself with a soft cry.

 

Yuuri gasped brokenly, hands squeezing Victor's thighs as heat and almost unbearable tightness surrounded his length. Not enough, not _nearly_ enough preparation, and he was reaching up to place his palm over Victor's stomach, voice strained as he said, "Wait...Wait, ease into it, Victor..."

 

"I said I want to  _feel_ you," Victor said with a slight whimper, planting his hands on either side of Yuuri's head before lifting his hips again and sinking back onto Yuuri's length, both of them moaning raggedly. Yuuri could only hold on and try to keep from thrusting into Victor, who had complete control of the pace he took Yuuri at. 

 

Having shut his eyes to lose himself in the friction and burning pleasure, Yuuri didn't see Victor bow over him to catch his lips in another kiss, moaning into Yuuri's slack mouth as he moved fast.

 

Yuuri remembered to move his hand over the man's length, holding on until the last possible moment, and then Victor was spilling onto his belly with a soft sob. Yuuri followed him seconds later, clutching his thigh as he spilled inside him. 

 

They lay there, covered in sweat and spend with their foreheads pressed together, harsh breaths mingling as they tried to regain calm and peace through their bond. 

 

Yuuri helped Victor lift himself off of him, wincing in sympathy when Victor whimpered. 

 

Once they were both clean and as comfortable as possible they finally lay down, holding on to each other as tightly as possible, bare limbs tangling together as they exchanged long, quick, tender kisses, each filled with promise. Yuuri could feel Victor's heart breaking in each kiss, and rather than sink into the guilt he swore he'd come back to put Victor back together again, no matter how long it took. 

 

"I'm not saying goodbye tomorrow morning," Victor murmured against his lips.

 

Yuuri saw himself reflected in those eyes, taking in the sight and thinking how he would wake up imagining it every morning, wishing he were seeing it in person. "Neither am I," he replied, suddenly so exhausted.

 

And they both kept their word the following morning.

 

They didn't said goodbye.

 

But they didn't say much else either.

 

All they did was share one more kiss. Not a final kiss. Just the one that would help them endure this separation. 

 

Yuuri and his mother left Hasetsu, their bags slung over their shoulders as they walked away from their home and their gathered family. It included Yuuko and her girls, all of them weeping as they watched Takeshi leave, having signed on at the last moment. 

 

Yuuri held on to Victor's hand as long as possible, pain flooding every part of him at that final brush of skin. 

 

Victor gazed at him, smiling through the fear and sorrow in his eyes as he reached back for Yurio's hand, clutching it tightly.

 

Attempting to smile back, Yuuri tried to keep looking at them, at his father and sister and at Yuuko and her girls. 

 

There was no going back, he realized, and for the second time in his life he turned his back on his home, setting his eyes on what was ahead of him.

 

 _I'm coming back,_ he thought, reaching for Victor through their bond and latching onto him.  _I'm coming back to you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chicken nugget son is gonna feature more heavily in the next installment, along with more angst. and chris makes a comeback!
> 
> please comment!


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